You might not be ready for this exercise. So if my suggestion rubs you the wrong way, be kind and gentle with yourself. Give yourself a hug. Know you are in the best place possible for you right now and your feelings may change over the coming months and years until some day this idea might seem possible.
After your breakup or divorce, there may come a time when you have truly let go and accepted the loss of a love relationship. You've taken responsibility for your actions, learned new things, and have turned adversity into a gift.
Nevertheless, you and your ex may continue to have a challenging relationship because you share custody of the kids and live and work in proximity to each other. Or alternatively, you are ready to move forward in a new direction.
One of the best ways for creating your own personal freedom in the face of any challenging relationship is to imagine the other person experiencing their highest good.
Ask yourself, "What does my ex need in their life to experience their highest good? What would help my ex be their best self?"
- Do they need a new job that helps them grow and excel?
- Do they need to be free from body pain or illness?
- Do they need healing for deep emotional wounds?
- Do they need adventure and play?
- Do they need community?
- Do they need reconciliation?
- Do they need love and relationship?
Use your imagination and picture your ex experiencing their highest good. What does their life look like? What do they look like? What kinds of expressions do you see on their face? What emotions are they feeling? How do they relate with other people?
Let your imagination give generously to your ex all the things that would help them shine their light in the world. Be like a fly on the wall and secretly observe their happiness. Feel as intensely as you can their feelings of peace, joy, and love without wanting anything in return for yourself. Just be an witness, quietly celebrating the life of your ex.
The most important thing to realize during this exercise is that you are not trying to fix your ex or make them better rather you are simply trying to energetically see them afresh. See in your mind what life could be like for them and have compassion that for right now they might not be experiencing their highest good. It's not your responsibility to help this person be at their best; however, through your thoughts, a form of meditation or prayer, you are sending out your loving support for their highest good.
More importantly, by dropping a fixed perception of your ex, you are setting yourself free from your own relentless cycle of thoughts and perhaps the desire to change this person so as to fulfill your own needs.
What are the Benefits?
- Your energy that was trapped in a cycle of wanting someone else to change is free to enhance your life in creative ways.
- You stop being a victim in a relationship out of your control and empower yourself to behave differently.
- You will have emotional freedom for seeking your own highest good.
- You will think in terms of the big picture. By not focusing on what you need from your ex but on how the whole world can benefit from this human being and their path, you appreciate how we are all interconnected. You become conscious of our unity.
Combine with Other Practices
- Use the image of your ex during Loving Kindness meditation as the challenging person and expand your compassion for him or her.
- Use a journal and daily write down at least one or three things about your ex that add value to your life and the lives of others. What do you appreciate about your ex?